All coming back together

This summer someone asked me why I haven't been blogging.  I told him that I didn't have anything nice to say.  We are coming up on a year since the husband took a new job.  From the beginning of February until just before Thanksgiving I lived without a husband.  That is SO hard.  I cannot put into words how hard it was.  The kids all took turns throwing up from anxiety for the first month he was gone.  I stopped sleeping.  We pretty much just started existing.

Then from June to just before Thanksgiving we were homeless.  My parents were generous and so kind to take us in, but that is still pretty stressful.  And I was still pretty much without a husband.

We worked to do fun stuff.  We traveled around this part of the country.  We tried to go see interesting things and do interesting things. 


We did Ringing Rocks, which is literally a giant pile of boulders.  Many of them when hit with a hammer will ring.  Pretty awesome.

We hit the beach with people we hadn't seen in a while.

We goofed off with people we are related to.  (Brent says this is proof that he is the favorite.)

We loved on people we love.

We rode horses.

And rode some more.

And rode some more.

And we visited friends we haven't seen in a while in places we haven't been in a while. 

And found awesome adventures with them.

We rediscovered the sky. 

Again.

And again.

We tried some new things.

Learned some stuff about birds.

Took some things to the fair.

And took advantage of the fact that we were living with grandma and grandpa.  Brent and I had not been away from all our kids at once probably since Grace was born eleven years ago.  Brent had a work trip to South Dakota of all places, and we ran off for a WEEK!

We saw Mount Rushmore.

And drove through the Badlands.  I must say, I think we hit it at a pretty awesome time of day!

After we finally lost our light, we stopped at a crappy little restaurant to eat.  On our way out of the park we realized that the stars were AMAZING.  So we stopped and watched them for a while.  Holy smokes the sky is gorgeous.  To top it off, there was a big lightening storm on the horizon.  It was perfect.

We drove the Needles Highway.

Pictures cannot do that experience justice.  So pretty.



And we say this.

Frankly, I am not sure how I felt about this.  But I think you have to experience it to understand.

And look!  That sky again!

The kids may tire of me saying that.  But then again, maybe not.

We learned about Montana history and about Lewis and Clark.  We visited Bannack (the Montana Territory capital and now a ghost town) and the Lewis and Clark Interpretative center.  We found fossils and went to museums and rodeos and on adventures with new friends.  I don't think I am even remembering it all!  

All this sounds wonderful, though, right?  Well, this is the highlight reel I guess.  It wasn't all fun and games.  We were still without the husband and father most of the time.  And we were still living at grandma and grandpas and not having much luck at all finding a place to live.  Then we got hit with something we didn't see coming at all.

On August 5th, the horse that Calla called her own died.  Suddenly.  Very suddenly. 

Brent and I had just been commenting the day before that Sweetie looked so good.  The next day we got a call from the people who were boarding her.  They found her in the barn.  We don't know if she died and fell over or fell over and died.  We wonder if it was a heart attack or a stroke or something equally as sudden.  We just know she went fast.  We buried her the next day.

Calla was immediately devastated.  She was actually inconsolable.  She cried for days. Weeks, more like it.

I would ask if she wanted to go riding.  She would just shake her head.

I did get her on a horse a couple times. 

She looked great up there.  But he wasn't her Sweetie.  And I finally just stopped trying and decided to wait.

She worked through her grief.  One step was the headstone. 

One step was getting her a locket with a picture of the two of them in it. 

I would mention that maybe we could consider getting another horse.  She would just shake her head and walk off quietly. 

Her heart was broken. 

And we were still homeless.

Finally, just before Thanksgiving, we moved into a place that couldn't be more perfect.  It is amazing. 

I think grandma and grandpa are going to be extracting us from their house for at least a year.  Maybe more.  Kind of like when you fall into a bush of stuff that sticks to your clothes with fleece on and spend weeks picking out all the little sticky buggers that you keep finding.  Even after you are sure you got them all.

And then we found her.  The horse for Calla.

When Calla met Lucy, it was the first time she smiled that big since losing her Sweetie. 

And now when it is warm enough to not freeze our behinds off, or fingers or noses or ears, we jump on and head out.  This picture makes me laugh because I said, "Carsten!  I can't see you!"  And he just popped out from behind Grace. 

 And I love this one of the new pair. 

We have some work to do, but it is going to be good for everyone.

Hey look!  Sky!

And more sky!

And Grandma???  YES!  That's grandma!

And me???

Like my new hat??  It is SO warm!

And a crazy bunch of flexing people?? 

I love them!

Yes, this last year was pretty tough.  We tried to make the best of it (I think we did a pretty good job), but I am glad it is over.  I have a husband back.  I have a home.  I have a little girl who is no longer completely heartbroken  I have an entire family that is happily settling in and we all are making our life what we want it to be again.  Which is pretty much awesome. 

And here is the totally awesome couple that started all this crazy business.   Yes, that guy is still wondering what hit him and how he got involved with a crazy like me!

Words cannot express how I feel about being back in the same house with this man.  Words cannot express how I feel about the fact that we have three horses in our back yard again.  And words cannot express how excited I am that four kids jump at the chance to get out and be with those three horses every chance they get.  (Right now that means that it is probably above freezing!)  We are meeting new people and have already made new friends.  All these things mean home to me.

It feels so right. 

And look kids!  Mountains!

Hello again, Montana.  You are AWESOME!

FORTY!

So, I went and turned 40.

At first I thought it was kind of rude all sneaking up on me like that. 

But that was two years ago when I turned 38.  Somehow that was harder than turning 40. 

Or now I am just tired and don’t care.  We have moved several times since then.  That wears a girl out, actually.

Usually my birthday isn’t a big deal.  I’m not one to make my birthday a big deal at least.  The people who know when my birthday is and who care enough to tell me they are thinking of me on that day always make a point to do so.  But in all honesty, I have no idea when most of their birthdays are and have some guilt about that.  So I don’t make a big deal about mine, but it is always a totally great day regardless of who does or does not remember my birthday. 

But this year my sneaky husband changed all that.  He decided that the milestone should be recognized and made some strategic phone calls.  He even went so far as to have one of the kids hijack my phone so he could get numbers out of it.  Sneaky man.

I got phone calls and messages and emails and all that for the whole day. I got some birthday wishes before my birthday and they kept rolling in for about a week afterwards. Upwards of 50 people wished me happy birthday.  It was incredible and made me smile all day long.  The husband did well.  (And I may have told about half of them when HE turns 40!  Ha!)

He also got me an incredible gift.  But that is going to have to wait for now because it isn’t ready yet. It deserves its own post.  It really is that good.

Now what is a girl to do with this year of 40?  It happens that my birthday also falls during all the crazy holiday stuff.  I have put some thought into it, like I usually do.  One year I was going for better every day.  This year, I am going with that same theme I think. 

It is going to be AWESOME. 

That’s it.  Just AWESOME.  Awesomeness is going to rule this year.  And I am dragging the husband and kids along with me.

**Insert evil laugh here**

I have no idea what that looks like yet, but I will keep you posted.

A couple ideas:

Say yes—not to all the little things that suck your energy and fill up your schedule (I do need to take on a few of those now that I am new again), but to the new people and new and great experiences we have an opportunity to meet and find.  I was talking to a new acquaintance last week and she mentioned a few things that we are going to be all over—like learning how to pack.  As in put a bunch of stuff on a horse and ride into the wilderness for a few days.  And archery class.  Sign me up.  That sounds fun!  And my kids are always coming up with crazy ideas.  Like temporary tattoo musthaches.  

So why not?  Let’s do it.  And I will drag the husband along as well.  Oh wait, he is the instigator of craziness most of the time ... Hey!  You all smile over there! 

Fine, be weird.  But I'm taking your picture and then POSTING it!! (Maybe we are all a little crazy.)

Be deliberate--I just plain need to do this more.  Not that spontaneous and last minute are bad.  I have in fact survived and even gone so far as thrived on being spontaneous and last minute.  But I am now wondering if being more deliberate will bring it up a notch. Maybe that comes with this new age of mine. 

The husband has been bringing me flowers pretty regularly since we moved into this house.  That seems pretty deliberate.  And I like it.  So it isn't all bad I guess.   

 

And if we are going to have these horses, we are going to have to ride them.  A lot.

Even when there is snow on the ground!

Be creative—Is there a better way to get something done?  Is there a more fun way to get from point A to point B?  Let’s figure it out.  And drag the kids and the husband along.  Because that is AWESOME.  Right now for history Brent is reading the kids some really great historical fiction.  They are loving it, he is loving it, and I am loving it because it makes my life easier because the kids are learning and I am cleaning up the kitchen.  That is creative!  And I want to make a timeline that wraps around a room in our house that the kids can add historical events to when they learn about them.  It is accessible and all in one place.  That is AWESOME!

I am sure that I will come up with a few other ideas along the way.  And part of this whole awesome thing is getting back to feeling better.  I’ll be honest, this last year was tough.  It was really tough in a lot of ways.  Living without a husband makes me not sleep.  And when I don’t sleep, everything goes downhill fast for me and everyone else along with me.  So, I am working on getting back to feeling good and being good and making life good. And dragging everyone along with me back up that hill. 

Except we are going to surpass good and jump right to AWESOME.

And I know all the way to the core of my being that it is going to be AWESOME.

Eleven!

This girl. 

Eleven...

Grandma said, "Grace, what do you want for your birthday dinner?"

"Steak, baked potato, and lots of sour cream."

Grandpa told her that SHE took the steak HE wanted.  She looked at him and said, "Sorry."  

Then she kind of rolled her eyes and amended, "Actually, I am not sorry at all."

Birthday girl was staking her claim on her birthday steak.  It was so funny.

She is growing up.  She knows what she wants, plans how to get it, says what she thinks (no idea where she gets that), has a dry sense of humor that is mostly sarcasm (no idea where she gets that, either), and she is gracious and kind to everyone she meets.  

Love this girl. 

An anniversary to remember

Over the last seven months I have had many experiences I have never had before.  Most of them have been life changing.  But frankly, I wasn't looking for anything life changing.  I also wasn't looking for the amount of stress I have experienced. 

Our house finally sold.   This came after seven months of living without a husband.  It is a relief to finally be moving forward with that.  We stayed at our place in Idaho so the kids could finish school and a few other commitments before we took off for Montana.  Especially since we didn't have a place to go to in Montana.  I have a new respect for families that live apart.  It is definitely  not my preference.

The first three weeks he was gone at least one kid threw up every day.  I finally realized it was anxiety since it kept going around and it was only once and they were done for a few days.  It also made sense that when a pack of kids whose dad is super awesome and super involved in their lives suddenly find themselves without a dad on a daily basis could experience some anxiety.  But still it was not fun.

It was not fun for us adults either.  I have had that man around for long enough that he is now a part of me.  And neither one of us have been apart for more than a couple days or a week at a time.  People ask how he is managing or how I am doing with the kids and I can't put it into words really.  I am not worried about him taking care of himself or me getting the garbage taken out.  He can cook and clean do laundry and take care of himself just fine.  I can take the garbage out, feed, cloth and bathe four kids, cook, clean and do laundry, and haul them and their horses around the country.  I can even unplug a septic system if I need to.  (Yes, I do know that to be a fact since it has been tested and proven that I can wrestle the lid off a septic tank, diagnose that the potty-training boy needs to not use a wad of toilet paper as big as his head, and fix the problem with a hose and a giant metal rod that weighs almost as much as I do.)

I already knew I have awesome friends and neighbors.  But they have also been tested and proven.  I have been sour and angry and not my normal self.  They have taken my children, brought food and coffee and beer, helped pack, fed cats, checked the house, returned routers, mowed the lawn, and just about everything else that I could not do from where I was.  They have saved my sanity by calling even from clear across the country just to check on me even after I lost my sense of humor and felt like a needy pile of angry and emotional liability that lives with her parents.  In short, I have not been a pleasant person lately and they all loved on me anyway.  I am so thankful.

Yes, at thirty-nine and married with four kids, I am living with my parents.  Here we are a good four hours closer to the husband and the horses are just down the road.  I am super thankful for that as well. 

Yesterday we had two trailers packed beyond capacity with our stuff, four kids and a dog and headed out with our two old vehicles that have over 400,000 miles between them over two mountain passes in 90+ degree weather.  I have never pulled a trailer that heavy and that far following my husband with four kids and a dog.  But I had told him I would do whatever he needed me to do.  I trust the man and would obviously follow him anywhere. 

Still, I was praying for an anniversary miracle at 60 miles an hour. 

The trip was absolutely uneventful.  I am beyond thankful.

Over Lookout Pass I felt my sense of humor start to loosen a little.  I decided that Lewis and Clark probably went faster on their way back home than we were going.  But that didn't make me go any faster.  I don't think I could have if I even wanted to.

About half an hour from our destination the husband called me.  He had a smile in his voice and something to say. 

"Do you realize that eighteen years ago we had all our belongings packed and we were headed out of Montana?  And today we have all our belongings packed with four kids and a dog and we are headed back to Montana?"

He was right.  We were freshly married, as in hours married, and headed out for Oregon and ultimately Washington.  I don't think I would call it irony.  But somehow this whole adventure feels right again.  For a while it just felt like a miserable holding pattern, not an adventure.  In fact, I resented that term "adventure" for a really long time.  When we made the decision to move, I remember it felt like we were supposed to be doing it.  And then we hunkered down without him and waited.  And he hunkered down without us and waited.

We were all lonely and miserable.  There was even a point in February that we didn't see him for three weeks because the weather kept him away.  It was a really long three weeks.

I finally figured out that we were waiting for something to happen.  I have no idea what we are still waiting for, but after that I could feel my hope returning and a new confidence that things were bound to just click into place if I was patient enough.  My sense of humor was coming back, and I could use words like "adventure" to refer to our life again.

Through it all I have realized a few things.  Being separated from my husband is miserable.  And it isn't about not having him around to back me up when I could use some help with the kids or take out the trash or even take care of a septic system gone backwards.  It's about him coming home every night to his family and just being there.  It's about having him available to talk things through and muse about our days and the kids and the kids being able to pile onto him and get what they need from their dad.  It's about having him being able to just grab me while I am in the kitchen and kissing me and hugging me just because he can and he wants to.  It's about having him in my bed every night and waking up to him every morning.  It is about being able to stop by his office while we are in town and just seeing him and knowing he is close.  It's because we have a good marriage and without him I am literally missing a huge piece of who I am and who we are and how we work.

Without him there is a giant void that cannot be filled.  It is HIM that we miss.  And being with him makes life so much better.  Being without him is miserable.  So miserable that I believe that I can say without a doubt that I understand why some marriages don't make it through this kind of upheaval we have experienced.  This has been the hardest year of our eighteen year marriage.  But I believe that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger and knowing what I have makes me want to hold onto it even tighter and cherish it even more deeply. Time and again it would be horribly tense up until that moment he walked through the door.  And that moment I saw him all that miserableness would just melt away and suddenly it was all okay and I just needed to hold him and be held. 

Someone asked me a few weeks ago why I haven't been blogging.  I answered him quite honestly that I haven't been blogging because I really have nothing nice to say.  I am too angry and I don't want to put that out there.  It is not who I am and apparently I have to deal with it a little more quietly than some people.

Actually, I don't deal with anger quietly.  But I don't deal with it publicly.  Maybe that is more accurate. 

But even with all that has been going on, I think the kids are having a good summer.  We have been riding horses (even me!) and they are doing the summer reading program and the summer explorers down at the Grand-Kohrs Ranch.  We went Oregon to visit family, to Eastern Idaho to see all our great friends down there and we have seen their daddy quite a lot.  We have begun exploring Montana and have a list to continue.  They all have the tan lines to prove that summer has been great fun. And we can't discount that it is the summer at grandma and grandpa's.  What kid doesn't love living with grandma and grandpa for a summer?

It has definitely been a year of many changes.  But now we are moving in the right direction.  And we have a new appreciation for what we have.  And really, what we have is each other.  Definitely an anniversary of note in our lives together.  I may even go as far as to say that the anniversary itself is a miracle.  So we had two miracles yesterday.  And I am so very thankful. 

The adventure, to be continued . . .

Happy Birthday Violet!

Little Blondie Pants turned SIX yesterday.  She was SO excited.

I don't know if she was more excited about turning six or about getting a Snackeez.  She has been asking for one for MONTHS, actually.  Ever since she saw the commercial.  When she was opening her very last present, she declared that "I hope it is a Snackeez!"

Good thing her mother pays attention to these things.  Her birthday may have been ruined had it been something else. 

Her daddy even surprised her and made it home for dinner (He is working out of town.).  She had been asking him if he would FaceTime during dinner so he could share her birthday dinner with us.   (She chose ham and rice and peas.)  He told her he would do his best.  Then he just strolled around the corner with a dozen roses behind his back.  She saw him first and launched at him exclaiming, "DADDY!"  It was precious and I may have just sat there on the verge of tears.

There is a lot going on in our lives right now, but a little blond girl's birthday is really important.  And as far as I can tell, with a horseback ride in the morning and her daddy showing up for her dinner and her uncle and aunt and cousin and grandma and grandpa and mom and siblings helping her celebrate by eating homemade ice cream, she is one special little girl. 

She is also a beautiful little girl.  Inside and out.  We love our little Violet.  And we look forward to watching her grow into the beautiful young lady we see budding behind those blue eyes.